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Attack of the Trees
SephoneiDate: Wednesday, 2009-10-28, 6:59 AM | Message # 1
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Tropical paradises are never what they seem. Coconuts rocket down from the sky like cannonballs, sharks infest the shark-infested waters and the island beaches are entangled in vague pop-philosophy references and psychobabble.

On top of all this is the most unexpected menace of them all: fucking exploding fruit.

Native to the tropics is the Sandbox Tree, a 100-foot tall exclamation point to the phrase "Do not touch." Every inch of this towering monster is poisonous, and its trunk is laced with so many spikes it looks like a gladiator weapon. If this tree could walk, it would enslave humanity.


Climb me. I fucking dare you.

If somehow you manage to get beyond its toxic bark and leaves (and the spikes, never forget the spikes), you still run the very high risk of getting pelted in the face with the natural equivalent of a fragmentation grenade.

You see, the Sandbox Tree's seed pods are fist-sized fruit that, when ripe, explode with such force that they routinely wound nearby people and livestock, which is unsurprising when you look at the shrapnel they put out:

Evidently the Sandbox Tree watched the fruit picking scene from The Wizard of Oz and decided that if Dorothy ever tried that shit with it, she'd be walking away without a face. Either that or it just felt like lobbing bombs all across the beaches of Costa Rica like the Green Goblin. This is what is known as a "correct" or "real" defensive mechanism, frogs. Take a note.


 
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